Christmas: A how to guide

The Lead up

When you were a child this was the best part of Christmas, summer was here and you drafted your Christmas wishlist... fast forward 20 years and it's nothing short of a nightmare.

Anthony Callea... I thought you were dead!?

Walk into the local shopping centre to pick up a litre of milk and a loaf of tip-top only to be smacked in the face with Chrissy decorations and the gentle sounds of Anthony Callea desperately trying to revive his career with a carols album.
 
‘It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, toys in every’… 

No! No it’s not… it’s fucking October!

Around this time of year expect your work colleagues to steadily increase their work place decorations and chit chat about the holiday period; smile, nod and try not to remind them it’s November. 

You may be struggling to make your mortgage repayments but it is imperative you buy a $10 secret Santa that won’t see out the year.

Meanwhile you should be preoccupied with not making a complete arse of yourself at the office Christmas party; a few pointers:

1. People only remember the first person to disgrace themselves
2. You can’t make your career at the Christmas party but you can definitely break it 
3. This is not the opportunity to hit on the cute girl from marketing you’ve been eyeing off all year, you might score yourself a date but it’s more likely to be with the HR manager on Monday morning. 


There is one positive, however, in the lead up to Christmas. If you have a child with moderate to mild behavioural issues, now is the time to bribe them into improved behaviour by telling them naughty children don’t get presents from Santa. If they don’t shape up - tell them he doesn’t exist!

You’ll be lucky to walk out of December scratching two coins together.

Shopping centres and car parks

The place happiness goes to die!

You can tell a lot about people by the way they behave waiting in parking lots and shopping queues, if they cut in front of you, they are the bottom feeders. At the risk of sounding like Peter Dutton, you are well within your rights to grab that queue jumper by the hand and take them right back to where they came from. Failing that, scone them in the back of the head with a Nerf gun; no judge worth his salt will find you guilty.
 
Save yourself the hassle, join the 21st century and do it online, your Zen coach will thank you.

Santa

Probably the greatest heist pulled on the Western World, at one point in our lives we have all been conned that this imaginary fat man sits in North Pole making and delivering presents. No wonder our youth are troubled; they have been systematically lied to for years by the people who love them most.

Not only that, they have been conditioned to adore a man whose record is suspect at best, look at this from a purely forensic point of view:

Jolly fatman or serial pest!?

 
• You were caught sneaking down the chimney of an unknown residence
• later seen helping yourself to milk, carrots and a variety of cookies
• escaping at breakneck speed on reindeer back only to commit the same crime at the very next residence.

He's a burglar at best or creep at worst!

Family lunch

‘Aaahhh’… finally some time to relax with loved ones, right? 


Wrong!


After a brief period exchanging pleasantries with family and friends, things will quickly revert back to your childhood and rules of the school yard apply. It’s a well-known fact, breaking family dynamics is harder than Newton's theory.

The eldest child will always know best, the youngest child will always shirk responsibility and the middle child will remain so conflicted that years of therapy will barely scratch the surface.

Regardless of what you have achieved over the past 12 months, no one can bring you back to earth quicker than your siblings. They spent their entire childhoods learning how to press your buttons and they are not going to give up that advantage now. Your weight, career path and choice of attire will all come under intense scrutiny.

The best you can hope for is to escape for some board games with the niece or nephew, read the autobiography you scored for Chrissy or take the dog for a walk!

Boxing day

'Dont'cha wish your girlfriend was a ho like me!?'

The real meaning of the holidays.

The family have shipped off back home, the fridge is full of left over BBQ meats and more booze than you can throw a stubby at.

Sit back and relax, flick on the cricket, turn the Mrs onto mute and enjoy!

As a casual observer once noted of the Pussy Cat Dolls, 'Ho Ho Ho!'