Heading to the gym?

Signing up to your local gym and giving away your hard earned is the easy part. When you turn up to your first session, like school, its important to know there are certain factions and you best know which one will suit your exercise style.

Not gay at all- Spotting squats

Gym Junkies: - The alpha males, the apex predators of the gym you know the type. I mean there's working out and then there's looking like you've spent the past decade raiding pop-eyes fridge. These guys are so big that I don't think they even look good anymore, its all very well to get HUGE but when you cant get through a doorway by conventional means anymore its probably time to put down creatine and go for a jog. These guys are easily distinguishable as they tend to suffer cotton allergies and are proud owners of the one sleeve tat (note. they may look amazing in your 20's but comeback with your shrivelled balls, saggy gut and shrunken arms after the realities of raising a family and maintaining a full time job cut into you work out time). While they are the apex predators in the gym this facade quickly disappears once outside Fitness First walls, when asked to multiply 2x2. They normally calorie count, carbo load and supplement to extremes. You feel the urge to say 'get a life chump' save for fear of being picked up and dead lifted. So good at getting into shape they sometimes turn it into a full time career by becoming personal trainers, gym staff or supplement salesmen. They can been seen spending their spare time on the beach taking selfies and posting them via social media, blissfully unaware that the camera also works pointing in the other direction. All semblence of manliness and masculinity fly out the window when asked by a mate to 'spot some squats'. Often over compensating for small genitalia, lack of personality or sporting a Jarrod Roughead (see. inset)

Hawthorn Ruckman- Jarrod Roughead

Lycra lovers: - Think Michelle Bridges... for every alpha male there must be a female equivalent, Lycra so tight you can see what was consumed for breakfast, I cant help but think these specimens developed from a self consciousness from lack of breasts in adolescence. They look as though they spend their spare time crushing watermelons between their thighs. Not only are they intimidating to other women they are also intimidating to regular men... while their definition is admirable you don't want a woman so ripped she looks as though she snap your knob clean off in a moment of unbridled passion. Whilst they look amazing at the gym, this does not always convert well to formal wear with cleavage appearing to be a curious combination of boobs and pectorals, think 'tec's' or pit's. Can often be seen spruiking the benefits of 'clean eating', 'raw juices' and 'steamed vegetables' on social media. Possibly compensating for personality disorders, poor cleavage or a Jarrod.

The worlds most famous Titty Wobble Bum- Kim Kardashian

Muscles chubby guts/Titty wobble bums:- These are the guys who try, by god they do... but try as the might they just cant pass on the doughnuts and cheesecake. The girls are typically pretty and from the waste up look a million bucks but lower the eyes a little and its easy to see every surplus calorie on a one-way road to a pair of thunderous thighs... for the chaps its all about the gut. Arms and shoulders like an ox but the only sit ups they complete are getting off the couch to grab another six pack from the fridge. You sense they will never quite master the exercise/calorie balance.

Mr Puniverse: You know the guy, has all the gear, does all the one percenters, takes all the supplements but just doesnt have any of the muscles... these poor bastards slog their guts out day in day out at the gym for little reward. A salesman's dream, as no amount of protein powder, supplement or creatine will give them the rewards they so badly desire. The laughing stock of the weights room and would be better suited to running marathon's with DeCastella and Monaghetti. Workout with the goal in mind that one day, one girl, somewhere will notice they bench press.

Marathon runner/Mr Puniverse- Steve Moneghetti

The no shows:- It doesnt quite add up, they talked up a storm when they signed, the cards still in the wallet yet there's no results. All they have to show for their gym membership to date is a massive void in their bank account where funds used to be... No doubt after being coaxed into purchasing a 12 month membership from the overly attractive and persuasive appraisal officer. They dont quite realise you have to actually exercise to achieve anything, will look amazing one day when they eventually make it through the front doors....

- Heading to the Gym Part II-