Caffeine and I have long had a tenuous relationship, a single cup of coffee enough to send me dashing for the bathroom quicker than Usain Bolt out of the starters blocks. So much so that I completely avoid the roasted bean.
So it was with great naivety that I dared take something stronger.... After a long weekend of camping, fishing and drinking in no particular order, at the beautiful coastal town Narooma, I thought to purchase some no doze for the trip home in case fatigue set in.
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| Caution: May cause rapid bowel movement |
Not wanting to waste the product I decided on taking them to work and having them instead of a can of coke for the three o'clock lulls. Day 1: I took one following my lunchbreak to get me through the afternoon before taking a second on the way to cricket training to see if they aided with reaction time and reflex.
With limited affect I thought I would persist with usage, the following day and approximately 24 hours after my initial dose, I had returned from my break about to set out for my afternoon courier duties. As I collected my gear I had a sudden and urgent call of nature in the backdoor department. Making it in a knick of time I was grateful this sudden urge hadn't hit me ten minutes later in the drivers seat.
Brushing of the dilemma as an aberration I continued with my daily pick me up.. Taking one tablet daily, with no major side effect.
When Saturday came round, cricket was again on the schedule and in the final session of play eccentric batting all rounder Tim Coggan dared his teammates to a glass of
Pre-trainer to give them a buzz in the afternoon session. Declining the invite I compromised by saying I would down a couple of no doze so Coggs wasn't on his lonesome.
I was without any obvious side affects, meanwhile Coggin was dropping faster than the Irish pound, I carried on business as usual.
Following the largish weekend I'd had camping, I opted for the mature option of abstaining for the weekend. I rose as fresh as a daisy on the Sunday morning feeling so upbeat I offered housemate/teammate/human bean pole George Mccaffrey a lift to work in hope of a free breaky at Urban Foodstore.
On completion of downing a delicious combination of scrambled eggs, bacon and advacado I decided on a spot of retail therapy in the city centre. 300 meters into a 1.5 km walk to town I cocked a leg as I passed the Civic police station in an attempt to clear some excess air from the system!!
'HE GAMBLES, HE LOSES!!'
Like a shot of lightning through the midnight sky I realized that the air was filling with something much more sinister.
Instinct took over and I clenched tighter than a Jewish businessman... Once I gained control of the situation I scanned the horizon for potential 'unloading zones'. Being 10am on a Sunday morning my options were severely limited, I saw Uni Pub across the road in the distance and made a bee line towards it. I made it only as far as across the road to the bus stop before surge mark II attacked. There I was standing to attention legs crossed buns squeezing tighter than a boa constricter to keep this thing at bay with my arm rested upon the bus stop to keep the impression I was a regular public transport user awaiting my lift for the morning.
Eventually I made it to Uni Pub only to be hit with the devastating realization that it was outside of opening hours. Option two was a hundred meter journey to the local IGA to use the staff facilities. Given the state I was in 100 meters may as well of been the size of the Simpson dessert. With all my might I managed to waddle my way across the intersection and into the front doors in urgent search of relief..
I approached the counter:
Wheats 'Hi there, terribly sorry to interrupt and I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't an emergency but may I use your bothroom!?'
Store Attendant: 'sorry sir but it's staff only'
Wheats: 'listen'... I continued. 'I AM a DESPERATE man, I'm begging you!!'
S.A: 'Im sorry sir company policy, but there Is a cafe across the road that has a bathroom'
'You've got to be fucking kidding me' I murmured before walking penguin style across the road to the cafe.
' I hear you have a bathroom, can I please use it!?' I pleaded. 'sure sir' I breathed a sigh of relief and the tension in my body eased somewhat. ' there is just a gentleman using it at the moment so if you wait in line you can go after him'.
The word 'FUUUUCKKK' crossed my mind, there I stood outside the public cubicle, searching for potential hidey holes I could empty this tidal wave trying to escape my anus. Without putting to fine a point on it, it was like trying to stop a volcano with a couple of slices of bread.
After what seemed like a fucking eternity, old mate eventuated from the gents and handed the key over. I made my way a shell of a man down the hallway to the restrooms.
Pulling down the strides looking for relief, it was clear most of the damage had been absorbed between the cheeks. As I sat there huddled over the Royal Doulton like a dog rooting a cricket ball, I thought to myself 'I am a 31 year old man, what the FUCK is going on!?'
The remainder of the afternoon, I ventured no further than 15 meters from the closest dunny.
Suffice to say, I have ceased my course of no doze....
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