There has been a lot of conjecture in the media and various sources this week about my ability or lack there of in a kitchen setting.. I would just like to clear up a few things....
Yes I did set fire to my parents house
Yes I did shit myself
and Yes I do deserve a brown jacket nomination.
But I would like to re tell the story as I saw it.
On July 28 of this year I celebrated my 27th Birthday, after work I attended my duties at the AIS Stregnth and Conditioning facility bowling express pace to Ryan Carters to assist David Mann with his research on the effects of blur on batting performance.
Upon completion of my efforts I bid farewell to my fellow seamers Peter (One spell) McKell and Dylan (Mack Truck) Mackie. I was to be greeted at home by a chicken roast prepared lovingly by my brother in celebration of my acheivement of longevity to date.
Arriving at the Wheatley residence I quickly became aware there was to be no chicken roast, after surveying the premise I was able to tell that my brother had infact passed out and I was left to my own devices. I decided due to convenience that hot chips would be the order of the day, a decision which I would later come to regret.
For optimal results it was suggested to cook the potatoe fries in oil for 2-3 minutes at 168 degrees celcius... heating the oil I vacated the kitchen for a brief moment when I returned I noticed the oil was sizzling and decided I should remove the pan from the heat which created a blaze.... being the only human being on the face of the planet not to know that water is not the cure for an oil fire I made my way to the sink.
After the intial burst of water from the tap created a fireball effect on the pan a summation was made that perhaps not enough water was used in my first attempt after my second and lengthier spray from the tap it was clear I had a problem on my hand. The issue was raised with the local fire department with the phone conversation playing out as such:
*Bring ring*
*Bring ring*
*Bring ring* At which point I thought 'if this was a murder attempt I'd be dead by now'.
*Bring ring* Finally an answer..
Triple 0 attendant: Hello emergency services, do you require Police, ambulance or fire brigade?
Wheats: Hi, Ive just set the kitchen on fire please send help!!
Triple 0 attendant: Sorry SIR but DO YOU require PO-LICE, AM-BU-LANCE or the FIRE BRI-GADE!?
Wheats: WELL MAM, Ive just set my parents KIT-CHEN on FI-RE so I thought it would be pretty F-cking obvious but if you dont hurrry up Im going to need an AM-BU-LANCE as well!!
At this point I ventured outside to wake my brother out of his self imposed coma, after shaking him violently for 20 seconds I quietly raised the set of circumstances which had taken place upstairs saying 'THE FUCKING KITCHEN IS ON FIRE, WHAT SHOULD I DO!?' His reply was equally as calm 'Have you called the Firebrigade?' before rolling over and returning to his deep slumber.
After a brief inspection the Fireys vacated the premise deeming it safe and in working order.
I decided that these things should best be dealt with as soon as possible, so I rang my father, generally known at the more reasonable and relaxed gaurdian. However, much to my shagrin my Mother answered the telephone, the conversation went a little like this:
Mrs Wheats: Hello
Wheats: Ah hi, is Dad there?
Mrs Wheats: No he's at the shops what do you want?
Wheats:Um can you get him to give me a call when he gets back?
Sensing the anxiety in my tone she probed further
Mrs Wheats: Why, whats up?
Wheats:Nothing, nothing, just get him to give me a call back when he gets home.
Mrs Wheats: Ok, Bye.
My father soon returned my call and I explained what had happened, he seem slightly detered but handle the situation well under duress. Ten minutes later I recieved another call, this one not so pleasant.
Mrs Wheats: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO MY KITCHEN?
Wheats: I had an accident
Mrs Wheats: GOOD ON YOU, YOU FUCKWIT I LEAVE YOU HOME FOR ONE WEEK AND YOU BURN DOWN MY KITCHEN!!
Wheats: I didnt mean to do it, thats why its called an accident
Mrs Wheats: WELL GOOD ON YOU YOU JUST RUINED MY HOLIDAY.
Wheats: Yeah thats what I meant to do, I thought you know what for my 27th birthday I shall celebrate by burning my parents house down.
As it is now... the kitchen is as good a new after a couple of coats of 'Taubmans' finest.
Regards
Matthew Wheatley
Brown Jacket Candidate #1
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